Thursday, January 22, 2015
Monday, January 12, 2015
Some days, all I feel is emptiness.
I want him to hold me. Tell me he's going to work on it. Tell me how.
I want to see more than defeat in his eyes. Where is the determination? Where is the desire to fix it? I am scared and vulnerable, and I hide it because all I see is defeat. One of us has to be strong.
...But I'm not strong. A hollow shell is delicate. A parapet with no defenders is as defenseless as a summer meadow. I am all walled in, but there's nothing left inside.
I need something to fill me up.
Wednesday, January 07, 2015
Sometimes it baffles me how a parent could be unsure what to do with a Little.
What would you do if I were actually five years old? Do that. The end.
Monday, December 29, 2014
He likes to tease me about breaking me down. It turns him on to imagine me sobbing, hopeless, helpless. I'm ok with that. It turns me on, too.
I think I am broken, a little.
He's cheated on me. We worked through it. He's hidden things from me. We worked through it. He's flat-out to-my-face lied to me, and still, I opted to work through it. Every time I find another shard of something he's withheld, I break a little. Every time he makes plans without telling me, another crack begins. And part of me -- a huge part -- acknowledges that there has been progress. (At least he's not actually fucking anyone behind my back. That I know of.) But another part sighs with realism. It will happen again, that part says, and there's nothing you can do about it.
And here I am. Neither willing nor wanting to leave. Only morbidly curious to see when and how the next fracture will spread. I know, in a logical place, that only a broken person would be in this situation. I don't think that's emotion telling me this is crazy. Am I weak or strong, to keep fighting through for happiness here? I am happy so often with this man.
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
I'm Just a Wife
I'm not your slave -- you don't have time or energy to be my Master. Oh, you believe you have the skills. You believe it's what you want. Just, apparently, not now... Or any other time.
I'm not your little girl -- you don't want to be my Daddy. You think it's all about responsibility, and we have three kids already. You are afraid I will go into my Little space and never come out.
I'm not even your wife -- not yet. That's closest to how I'm treated. Which is unfortunate, since it is the least of my needs.
It's ok. Really. You are who you are, and I love you. I want to be with you. However it is that we fit, I want to be with you.
It's really hard right now. Those are the things that I thought we were working toward. Those are the connections that I thought we made. It hurts a lot to feel like you don't want that with me.
I don't want to go to Master/slave events with my husband.