Entry: Happy Valentine's Day Saturday, February 15, 2014

I know, I should have talked to him directly. Writing publicly about things I enjoy for a day I value is not direct communication. Who knows whether he even saw it. But... I can't help feeling disappointed. Maybe it's self-created. I expected to be disappointed. I expected a cheap bunch of flowers, if he did anything for me. Maybe that expectation led my actions and diverted something special he might otherwise have done. But he didn't. The flowers I got were generic Valentine flowers. They weren't what he ordered. He ordered a live plant -- I guess he forgot my brown thumbs. It's been long enough since he got me flowers, he probably doesn't remember what I do like. The flowers were lovely, really. Just... Not personal at all. There wasn't even a note to say who they were from. The only sweet words I got were a brief response to my good-morning. Sweetness I initiated. I spent time finding a nice card that said something I feel. I spent time writing words of love in addition to the pre-made sentiment. I got the barest of thank-you's in reply. A friend offered to watch our kids. One of the kids even went, to spend time with his friend. But there was no effort to send the other. We stayed home, ordered pizza, and watched TV. It could have been any other night of our lives. He tells me that I'm special. And I believe that he believes that. I don't *feel* special. I feel like we have been married five years and all that romantic crap doesn't matter any more. He has the girl, why woo her? I also feel like I complain too much to say all of this. I'm not good at holding things in. Once I talk about it, I'm pretty good at letting things go. So maybe writing this all out will help me move on. I hope.


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