Entry: I Wonder Wednesday, October 08, 2014

He says he was honest and up-front with me. He says he thought he was doing it right.

I wonder.

I still think that is the story he has convinced himself of so that he won't feel guilty.

From the messages I saw, he is the one bringing sex topics into their conversation. He is the one continually pushing on that. He never once mentioned to me that they were doing more than exchanging pleasantries. He's called her. More than once. He left that out of his story too.

Whether he is conscious of it or not, he is pursuing this woman.

He pursues her the way I wish he would pursue me. And he talks to her as if I am resistant to such pursuit. As if I would not, do not, submit to his aggression the way she once did. Does he really think of me that way?

Me? The depraved woman who would lead him into darkness? Me? The one who breaks all boundaries for him? Me? The one who would easily be naught but a whore, if only he would allow it?

She teasingly suggests that she has ruined him for all other women... And he eventually denies it, but not to say anything about me. Only to make her sweat, and remind her that she turns him on.

He talks to her about being horny. Needing sex. Is aggressive, arrogant, and sexy with her. Dear god, I miss that man. I love the sweet, caring, generous Brandon that I am blessed with, but I miss the God.

I wonder if he hears me, when I ask for it.


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