Not because there is anyone who has caught my eye. And not because I am missing anything in this relationship. I could date, just by being honest.
But I've been hurt so many times now. There has been so much dishonesty. There are so many women in his life that he doesn't bother to fully disclose his relationships with, until I find out on my own, the hard way. The painful way. Part of me really wants to take the opportunity to pay that back.
Part of me wants to fuck him up. I want to hold that secret in, and play innocent when he finds out, like I didn't realize it would be a problem since I'm allowed to date. "Why is this a problem? What? I'm sorry, I didn't realize that would hurt you."
I won't do it. At least, I don't believe I will. I don't intend to. That's not the person that I want to be. That's not the relationship that I want to have. I've been there and done that and it sucks. Really, really badly.
When I'm scared, and my brain bumps low into that groove, it's really tempting.
I want to trash everything. I want to throw myself away, destroy my life, just to hurt him. Just to feel like I have some control.
Most of the time, I can pretend we're ok. But... I'm hollow.
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